With the recent passing of Chanel, my 9-year-old Shih Tzu, year 3 approaching of our Mother’s transition to heaven and with Mother’s Day approaching, I wanted to have a discussion about GRIEF.
So that we are clear, grief is not just associated with the death of someone from the physical realm. Grief is also associated with any loss that you deem is significant in your life. It could be the loss of a job or a relationship and yes, a pet.
People typically have an idea of what grief should look like and how people should deal with grief. In all honesty, even people who have experienced grief in their lives, can’t tell you how or what you should feel. Their relationship with that person, place, or thing they are grieving, doesn’t look or feel the same as the person they are grieving, because relationships that we expect to be the same across the board, never really is case.
Every relationship has a value. Every relationship looks different and feels different to everyone, including myself. So, don’t assumed that you know what I’m going through because you loss your mother or a pet as well. It’s just not the same.
Now that I got that out, I want to talk briefly about 3 concepts. They are Bereavement, Grief, and Mourning.
Bereavement is what happens to you. It’s the actual loss. The losing of a love one or a thing of value to you.
Grief is what you feel. It’s the emotional, physical, behavioral, cognitive and social response. It’s like the crying, sadness, the isolation, the acting out, and the decision making. Even the preoccupation with a specific thing, can be considered as grief.
The Mourning is what you do. The showing of great sorrow and sadness and regret for the loss of someone. Also in an outward act that is recognized around the world, in wearing of black.
In textbook terms, what does the cycle look like look?
What I’m about to say or describe doesn’t happen for everyone or in this particular order or at particular time, but some experience it at some interval in this life process.
Shock & numbness occurs immediately following the death. There may be denial. I can remember this phase clearly. And I sometimes find myself back in denial, because I don’t want to accept my current reality. Sometimes I’m numb to death around me.
Protest stage is where the shock becomes heightened, you feel angry, you yearn for the person who died and you are preoccupied with thoughts of them. This stage I experienced the longest amount of time after the death of my mom.
Disorganization, where there is a loss of interest in normal daily activities, depression, apathy, lethargy, restlessness, aimlessness, confusion, withdrawal. Sleep disturbances, crying, irritability is also seen.
Eventually there is reorganization, where things start to come together again. You start to look forward to doing some of the activities you used to enjoy. You start to try new things and find meaning in the death. You may experience guilt in here too. I personally felt like I shouldn’t be enjoying my life because my mother isn’t here to share in those moments. My guilt was horrible. I even have guilt with the loss of dog.
Then you move into recovery, where a new “normal” comes about. I call it my new normal. Life, to me, will never be same as I had to recreate a new life. A new way of doing things.
At any one of these stages we could move into deterioration. We may be going along fine, and something will trigger us and we end up “going backward”. I’m numb some days. I cried a lot, criticized myself, felt guilty, and still experience sleep disturbances. But then I regulate my emotions by not being preoccupied with the death (how it occurred) but the with Life of the love one that is no longer present with me in the physical realm.
In essence, grief is a lifelong process. I’ve been grieving pretty much since I was 12 years old, when my oldest brother was murdered. I cry often when I think of him. Or relationships I had with others, that miss.
It’s not a bad thing to experience grief. It’s a natural and can be a very healthy process.
If your symptoms are too much for you handle, please immediately consider grief counseling.
Let me know how you feel about the stages of grief or even if you would like to share your experiences with handling grief.
-According to LaShonda
This breakdown was very relatable. From the stages to the explanation that we don’t all grieve the same way. Continue to walk in your purpose. Thank you and I look forward to following your post.
Thank you Alicia. Yes, we don’t always grieve the same way and we don’t have to explain how we grieve to those who refuses to understand that grief doesn’t look the same for everyone.
I agree that grief is different for each individual person. The response and the way we cope with grief varies across each person. In understanding this, how would you recommend a therapist/mental health professional that may not have much experience dealing with grief/loss handle a client that may be dealing with grief/loss. Should they attempt to treat the client or refer to a therapist that specializes in grief treatment? It is a sensitive topic, but not every clinician is equipped or prepared to deal with it. Thank you for discussing this topic. It has been very helpful.
Thank you Tia for your comments. Only trained individuals who have experience with grief and especially complex grief, should work with individuals who come to the for grief work done. If they are not trained or even confident, in working with individuals with grief, should absolutely refer out. Thank you